If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
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Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Taliband
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you