The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
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Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.