Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
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1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝