If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
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Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
From my Mom
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN