Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
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Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.