[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
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Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Um … Hot Wings please
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
sistine chapel
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.