*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
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If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Shortcut
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*