Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
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Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
This cat wants you to take your pills
my sentiments exactly
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.