Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
You Might Also Like
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Inside you there are two wolves
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time