I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
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When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
The answer is funnier than the question
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.