A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
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Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Life cycle of cat
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie