The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
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I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
PLOT TWIST:
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.