I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
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Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Okey dokey.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.