Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
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I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
peeping toms
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
My dog ate my work from home.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.