*checks Timeline*…
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Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Not even remotely sorry.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.