My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
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before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Schrödinger’s cookie
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.