[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
You Might Also Like
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.