Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
You Might Also Like
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
idk what he going thru but i feel him
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox