My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
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My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
sliding into dms like
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks