I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
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Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.