Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
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Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
What?
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.