My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
You Might Also Like
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Overindulged this afternoon.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants
The Sun
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.