He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
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The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
eggs benadryl
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management