Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
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Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Has there ever been a more American story?
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.