If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
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Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
sir, my pâté if you please
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.