BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
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I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Happy thanksgiving
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wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.