waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
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It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
smartest karate player in the world
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background