The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
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[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
What’s a Messi?
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.