Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
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[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family