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I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.