Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
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Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Is anyone gonna tell them?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Crying is a sign of leakness.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is