*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
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sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult