when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
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*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.