My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
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Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Coffee is ready.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Don’t snitch tag.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
presenting your incognito window wrapped
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.