this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
You Might Also Like
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]