Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
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Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Meanwhile in Portland…
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.