You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
You Might Also Like
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.