MUM 馃槼
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
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I think carefully about what I鈥檓 going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It鈥檚 truly a gift I have.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I鈥檓 a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Mom: how鈥檚 your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn鈥檛 a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I鈥檓 a quick thinker you know.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I鈥檓 driving.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.