to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
You Might Also Like
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy