You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
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My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
the composer
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.