According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
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[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Oh my god
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
the last thing a carrot sees
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.