At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
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Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.