whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
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My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.