[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
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Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”