if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
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If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Try and stop me.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one