7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
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Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.