I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
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If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
*sewing*
A thread
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.