my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
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SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”