Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
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My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.