[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
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Look at this
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
yes… yes…
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”